I was furious when I discovered my mother-in-law’s secret parenting blog featuring my son, Liam. But on his first birthday, Claire showed up with a gift we never expected and a shocking explanation that changed everything.
I’ve always thought of myself as someone who sees the best in people. Maybe a little too much. I’m Brooke, 27, married to Jake, 29, and mom to our little boy, Liam. Our life isn’t perfect, but it’s ours.
A thoughtful and happy woman standing on the front porch | Source: Midjourney
We live in a cozy home on the outskirts of town, where Jake works long hours as a project manager, and I’m figuring out how to be a mom without losing my mind.
When I first met Jake’s mom, Claire, I thought I’d hit the jackpot in the in-law department. She was in her 50s and looked elegant, the kind of woman who could pull off yoga pants and a messy bun as if she’d just stepped out of a lifestyle magazine. There wasn’t a hint of judgment in her eyes when Jake introduced me.
A smiling senior woman | Source: Midjourney
She hugged me like she’d known me forever, saying, “I’ve heard so much about you, Brooke! Finally, I get to meet the woman who’s stolen my son’s heart.”
It felt good. Like I belonged.
Claire was easy to talk to. She had a laid-back vibe that made our early dinners smooth and fun. We’d swap recipes, laugh about Jake’s childhood quirks, and discuss travel plans. But looking back, maybe I should have paid more attention to how she casually dominated conversations — always steering them back to herself.
A thoughtful woman sitting alone in her room | Source: Midjourney
Things changed when Jake and I announced we were having a baby.
The baby shower was the first sign.
I was sitting on our living room couch, trying to soak in the moment. The decorations were simple but heartfelt. There were soft blues and yellows, little stuffed animals, and a homemade cake from my best friend.
A homemade cake topped with fruits | Source: Pexels
Then Claire arrived.
She stepped in like she owned the place, wearing a tailored white dress with impeccably styled hair and heels that clacked against our hardwood floor like a metronome. Following her was a man with a camera slung around his neck.
“Mom?” Jake blinked in surprise. “What’s with the photographer?”
Claire beamed. “Oh, darling, he’s here to capture the day! It’s a special moment — my grandbaby’s celebration!” She leaned down, giving me a quick peck on the cheek. “Brooke, sweetheart, don’t you worry. I’ve got this all planned.”
I plastered on a smile. “That’s… thoughtful. Thank you.”
A woman forces a smile while looking at someone | Source: Midjourney
The thing is, it wasn’t thoughtful. Not really. Every shot was curated to showcase her. Claire posing by the cake. Claire arranging gifts. Claire with her hand on my belly like she was the one carrying Liam. I half-expected her to start giving out autographs.
When the photos surfaced on her social media, the captions made me wince: “A special day for my growing family.” No mention of me or Jake. Just her and Liam.
Things spiraled after Liam was born.
A yawning newborn baby | Source: Pexels
Claire started visiting twice a week, always with a wide smile and that signature air of confidence. At first, I appreciated her help. She’d offer to take Liam for a few hours so I could nap or catch up on laundry. It felt like a blessing.
“Brooke, darling,” she’d say as she packed the diaper bag, “you need to rest. You’re doing so much.”
But then she started saying things that made my skin crawl.
An upset woman | Source: Midjourney
One afternoon, as she was buckling Liam into his car seat, she smiled at me over her shoulder. “Jake asked me to help out more. He’s worried you’re overwhelmed.”
I blinked. “He… what?”
“He called me last night,” she continued, her voice calm, almost rehearsed. “He said you’ve been struggling. He thought it’d be best if I took Liam for a few hours each week.”
That night, I confronted Jake.
“Did you ask your mom to babysit?” I blurted out as we folded laundry.
A close-up shot of a woman holding a stack of neatly folded shirts | Source: Pexels
Jake’s brow furrowed. “No. Why would I? I mean, I appreciate the help, but I thought that was your idea.”
“She said you asked her to,” I pressed. “That you’re worried about me.”
Jake shook his head. “Honey, I never asked Mom to babysit. Not once.”
My gut twisted. Something felt off.
The truth hit me one night during a 2 a.m. feeding.
Liam was nestled in my arms, his tiny fingers gripping my shirt as I scrolled through my phone. My eyes were heavy with exhaustion, but a familiar face on the screen jolted me awake.
A woman holding her baby boy | Source: Midjourney
Claire.
Except, it wasn’t just a picture of Claire. It was a parenting blog — under a name I didn’t recognize, but there she was. Hair perfectly styled, smiling broadly, holding Liam in her living room.
I clicked the first post, my heart pounding.
“Motherhood is a journey, and I’m here to share it with all of you wonderful moms out there!”
What followed was post after post featuring Liam. Photos of him napping, playing with toys, even a video of his first bath. The captions were detailed, offering tips on feeding schedules and bedtime routines.
A baby sitting on the carpet and playing with blocks | Source: Pexels
“Are you kidding me?” I whispered, scrolling faster. It wasn’t just one post. It was a whole series — hundreds of photos and videos. She’d documented our life without saying a word to me.
Then I read the worst part.
“After childbirth, it’s important to focus on self-care. Here’s what worked for me: Tips on getting your baby to sleep through the night.”
She wasn’t claiming to be Liam’s grandma. Everything she posted implied she was his mother.
The next morning, I couldn’t hold it in any longer.
I dialed Claire’s number, my hands trembling with anger.
A woman using her phone in her room at night | Source: Midjourney
“Good morning, Brooke!” she chirped. “How’s my favorite little guy?”
I gripped the phone tighter. “How dare you?”
A pause. “Excuse me?”
“You’ve been running a blog — with photos and videos of my son. Did you think I wouldn’t find out?”
Silence.
“Claire,” I seethed, “you crossed a line. We trusted you. I trusted you. And you’ve been parading Liam around online like he’s your son.”
“Brooke, it’s not like that,” she began, her voice softening.
A senior woman tries to explain herself while talking on the phone | Source: Midjourney
“Don’t,” I snapped. “Don’t gaslight me. We’re done, Claire. You’ve severed every tie.”
****
Liam’s first birthday was a quiet affair at home. It was nothing fancy, just close family, a homemade cake, and a few balloons. Jake and I had agreed to keep it simple; our savings were tight, and we weren’t about to splurge on an elaborate party for a baby who’d be more interested in the wrapping paper than the gifts.
A little boy wearing a party hat and sitting on a white high chair on his birthday | Source: Pexels
Still, I couldn’t shake the nerves as we set up. Claire hadn’t come by since our phone conversation. We’d exchanged some tense texts but nothing that hinted at reconciliation. She was now coming to Liam’s party, and I had no idea what to expect.
Jake noticed my fidgeting as I rearranged the balloons for the third time.
A close-up shot of balloons | Source: Pexels
“Babe, relax,” he said, placing a hand on my shoulder. “Mom’s not coming to start trouble. It’s Liam’s day.”
I nodded, trying to believe him. But my chest tightened as I heard the knock at the door.
Claire stood there holding a small, carefully wrapped gift box.
A close-up shot of a person holding a gift box with a brown ribbon | Source: Pexels
She looked different. Softer, somehow. Gone was the glamorous version of her I’d seen online. Today, she was in a simple cardigan and jeans, her hair styled in a loose bun.
“Hi,” she said quietly.
“Hi,” I replied, glancing at Jake, who gave me a reassuring nod.
Claire’s eyes darted nervously between me and Jake. “I wasn’t sure if I should come.”
“You’re Liam’s grandma,” Jake said gently. “Of course, you should be here.”
A man smiles softly while looking at someone | Source: Midjourney
I stepped aside to let her in. She walked in slowly, her gaze immediately finding Liam, who was toddling around the living room in his birthday outfit: a tiny shirt with “One-derful” printed on it.
“Oh, look at you!” Claire’s face lit up. She knelt down, arms outstretched. “Come to Grandma!”
Liam hesitated for a moment before wobbling toward her. Claire scooped him up, her eyes misting as she kissed his cheek.
I watched the scene, and my emotions tangled. Anger, guilt, confusion, and love. It was all there, swirling around in my chest.
A woman caught in a moment of emotional struggle | Source: Midjourney
“Let’s do presents,” Jake suggested, sensing the tension. “Liam’s been eyeing that pile all morning.”
We gathered around the small stack of gifts, and Jake handed Liam the first one to tear open. Claire sat quietly, holding her little box on her lap, her fingers fidgeting with the ribbon.
Finally, Jake nodded toward her. “Mom, is that for Liam?”
Claire blinked, startled. “Oh! Yes. Yes, it is.” She stood and handed the box to me. “But… it’s more for all of you.”
I frowned, puzzled, as I untied the ribbon and lifted the lid.
A close-up shot of a woman opening a gift | Source: Pexels
Inside was a set of keys.
I stared at them, confused. “What?”
“It’s your family house,” Claire said softly, her voice trembling. “For you, Jake, and Liam.”
Jake and I exchanged stunned looks.
“What do you mean, our house?” Jake asked, his brow furrowed.
A man looking a bit surprised | Source: Midjourney
Claire took a deep breath, her hands twisting nervously. “I know how hard you’ve been working, Jake. And Brooke, I’ve seen how much you’ve given up to be the best mom you can be. I also know how hard it is to buy a house at your age. I wanted to help, but I didn’t know how to do it without making you feel like I was interfering.”
I could feel my heart pounding as she spoke.
A woman looks with understanding and warmth at someone | Source: Midjourney
“So, I started the blog,” she continued. “At first, it was just for fun. But then people started following, commenting, asking questions… and I realized I could use it for something bigger. I started a crowdfunding campaign — anonymously — to raise money for a house.”
My mouth dropped open. “Wait. You’re saying… you bought us a house?”
Claire nodded, tears spilling over. “It was supposed to be a surprise down payment, but the blog took off faster than I ever imagined. I managed to save enough to buy it outright.”
A sad and emotional senior woman | Source: Midjourney
Jake ran a hand through his hair, pacing the room. “Mom, this is… I don’t even know what to say.”
I couldn’t speak. I was still processing everything — the lies, the secrecy, the overwhelming generosity.
Claire turned to me, her eyes pleading. “Brooke, I’m so sorry for how things went. I never meant to hurt you. I just, I didn’t know how else to help. I saw how stressed you both were, and I wanted to give Liam the future he deserves.”
A little boy climbing a wooden ladder | Source: Pexels
Her voice broke, and I felt my tears welling up. “You lied to us,” I whispered. “You took photos of Liam without asking. You made it look like you were his mom.”
“I know,” Claire said, her voice barely above a whisper. “And I’m sorry. I let it get out of hand. I should have told you from the start.”
Jake stepped in, his voice calm but firm. “Mom, why didn’t you just ask us if we needed help?”
A man with understanding and warmth in his eyes | Source: Midjourney
“Because I was afraid you’d say no,” Claire admitted. “You’re both so independent, so determined to do everything on your own. I thought if I offered money, you’d refuse. So, I did it my way. And I’m not saying it was the right way, but it was the only way I could think of.”
The room fell silent, the weight of her words hanging in the air.
Finally, I spoke. “Where’s the house?”
Claire’s face brightened. “It’s just a few streets over. Close enough that I can babysit — if you want me to.”
Jake chuckled, shaking his head. “Unbelievable.”
A man laughing | Source: Midjourney
I looked at him, my heart swelling with emotion. “We have a house, Jake. Our own house.”
He wrapped an arm around me, pulling me close. “Yeah, we do.”
Claire wiped her eyes. “I know I’ve made mistakes. And I know I have a lot to make up for. But I hope… I hope you can forgive me.”
I stood, crossing the room to where she sat. My mind flashed back to all the moments of tension, the hurtful words, the mistrust. And yet, here she was, offering us the very thing we’d dreamed of: a home.
A back view of a loving couple standing in front of a house | Source: Pexels
Without a word, I pulled her into a hug.
Claire stiffened for a moment before melting into the embrace, her shoulders shaking with quiet sobs.
“We’ll figure it out,” I whispered. “Together.”
She pulled back, her eyes shimmering. “Thank you, Brooke.”
Jake joined us, wrapping his arms around both of us. Liam giggled from his spot on the floor, completely unaware of the emotional storm around him.
A little boy celebrating his first birthday | Source: Pexels
At that moment, I realized something important: Claire and I might never see the world the same way, but we loved Liam more than anything. And that love was enough to bridge the gap.
“Happy birthday, little man,” Jake whispered, scooping Liam into his arms. “Here’s to your new home.”
And as we stood there, wrapped in each other’s arms, I knew this was just the beginning.
The beginning of our family’s next chapter.
A woman beaming with joy | Source: Midjourney
If this story warmed your heart, take a look at another intriguing read: I’d always dreamed of a perfect Christmas, and this year was supposed to be special since I was finally going to be a part of Liam’s family. I was excited to start a new chapter of our lives, unaware that this Christmas would be the beginning of the end.
23 Backhanded “Compliments” That Are Actually Insults
Everyone has been guilty of giving compliments that turn out to be less-than-sincere upon closer inspection. However, backhanded “compliments” are some of the worst, especially since they’re disguised as sweet remarks. It’s important for friends to be honest with each other, of course, but couching hard truths in fake compliments is rarely the way to go. (Unless you’re auditioning for a Real Housewives franchise, of course, in which case you can carry on.) If you’re ever on the receiving end of a backhanded compliment from a friend, the real meaning might not even sink in until hours, or even days, later.
While backhanded compliments typically stem from the speaker’s own insecurities, that doesn’t make them any less hurtful, says Sherese Ezelle, LMHC, LCPC, a licensed behavioral therapist. And when they come from a friend, a backhanded compliment is likely to sting even more — and may even damage your relationship.
Backhanded compliments run the gamut from clueless comments to rude remarks, and can also be a form of microaggression, Ezelle says. If it seems like your pal has crossed a boundary, she recommends disputing their comment in the moment by calmly asking for more info. “More often than not, to challenge them on the spot allows for the individual delivering the ‘compliment’ a chance to defend or further explain their intent,” Ezelle tells Bustle. “You want to be sure to give an opportunity for conversation so that growth can happen and friendships can be preserved.”
Of course, different friendships have different dynamics. Some close friends tease each other mercilessly and, as long as everyone’s on the same page, it tends to be OK. That said, it’s alright to recognize when something feels more hurtful than funny, or more like passive-aggressiveness than silly banter, Ezelle says. If backhanded compliments seem to be a habit rather than an exception, you can always tell your friend to buzz off — or look for a new friend circle.
These 23 backhanded compliment examples can help remind you of what a barely-concealed dig really sounds like. That way, the next time your friend claims to love your outfit or announces that they find your apartment “cozy”, you’ll know exactly how to handle it.
1. “Your Instagram Makes You Seem So Fun!”
Why it’s backhanded: On the one hand, it’s good to know all your careful filtering and captioning haven’t been in vain. But when your friend says your Instagram seems fun, they may be implying that the real you is much less interesting than the image you’re trying to project.
How to respond: “Because I am fun!”
What they could have said instead: “I’m so inspired by the way you curate your feed. It really shows off your creative side.”
2. “You Look So Great In That Photo. I Can’t Even See Your Acne!”
Why it’s backhanded: The nice compliment is immediately weighed down by the acne comment. They’re basically saying you typically have a flaw, but in this photo, you only look great because that flaw is removed. “It would be particularly hurtful if you also had an insecurity about your complexion,” says Sarah Dumoff, LCSW, a psychotherapist and founder of private practice here/now.
How to respond: “Thanks. I love this picture too, though I feel good in photos even when my skin isn’t ‘perfect.’”
What they could have said instead: “Omg, you look amazing!”
3. “I Didn’t Expect You To Get The Job. Congratulations!”
Why it’s backhanded: When a friend makes a point of mentioning their low expectations, it takes away from their congratulations.
How to respond: “I worked really hard for this. Go me!”
What they could have said instead: “I was rooting for you and am so relieved it went well!”
4. “You’re So Independent. It’s No Wonder You Haven’t Found Someone Yet.”
Why it’s backhanded: Among all the things ambitious people are tired of hearing, this is probably the most common. In theory, such a remark compliments your sense of autonomy; in practice, it implies that your independence is driving potential significant others away. As an added bonus, it perpetuates the idea that you have to compromise your sense of independence in order to be attractive. Yikes.
How to respond: “Yup! And I’ll know someone’s right for me when they respect that.”
What they could have said instead: “If you ever want to get back into the dating pool, I know someone’s going to fall immediately for your drive.”
5. “I Love How You Don’t Care How You Come Across.”
Why it’s backhanded: Your friend may profess to love your devil-may-care attitude, but what they’re really saying is that they think you’re too “out there.” Either that, or they’re making a salty comment because they’re envious of your laid-back attitude.
How to respond: “Yes! It’s taken a lot of work to get my confidence to this level. I try not to focus on what others think anymore.”
What they could have said instead: “You always seem so confident and relaxed. Tell me all your secrets.”
6. “I Wish I Was As Chill As You About All This Clutter.”
Why it’s backhanded: The real translation may be, “Your place isn’t cleaned to my exact standards and I need you to know that.” Regardless of their intention, it’s rude to make comments when you’ve been invited into someone’s private space.
How to respond: “Really? What would you do differently?” Sometimes asking someone to explain their comment is a way to get them to pause, reflect, and realize they’re being mean.
What they could have said instead: “Thanks for having me over!”
7. “That New Haircut Looks So Much Better Than Your Old One.”
Why it’s backhanded: They’re right — your new ‘do does look fabulous. But no need to be rude about what you looked like literally an hour ago. It may also make you wonder how long they’ve secretly disliked your hair.
How to respond: “I’m all about changing up my look. I’ve loved all my hairstyles and this one’s great, too.”
What they could have said instead: “Wait, this so, so good.”
8. “I Love How You’ll Just Wear Anything.”
Why it’s backhanded: If you’re getting ready together, chances are this comment is constructive and your friend is trying to prevent you from leaving the house in a not-so-great look. If they make this comment once you’re already out, however, that’s when it’s officially rude — and it might even plant a seed of self-doubt that ruins your whole night.
How to respond: “Is that a hint? What’s wrong with my outfit?” You can be honest with each other, laugh it off, and ask if they’d like to offer some advice.
What they could have said instead: “Hold up, hold up. Do you still have those wide-leg pants? Those would be perfect for tonight.”
9. “I Would Never Be Able To Pull Off That Outfit!”
Why it’s backhanded: While it sounds like they’re admiring your style, your friend is likely saying they wouldn’t be caught dead in anything similar.
How to respond: “Thanks, yea. I’ve been feelin’ myself lately. I’m all about the cargo pants trend. Can you believe they’re back?” This is a way to brush off their comment and show your friend that your “weird” look is deliberate — and fashionable.
What they could have said: “Ugh, I can’t keep up with trends. Can you share your Pinterest with me?”
10. “You’re So Charming When You Make An Effort.”
Why it’s backhanded: Great! You’re being charming and suave right now. Mission accomplished. But what about when you’re lounging in your soft pants? Your friend is kind of saying that you’re not usually this charismatic.
How to respond: “I don’t always feel the need to be ‘on’ around my close friends, but sure, I can pull out the charm when need be.” You can also mention that their comment was hurtful. Remember, when in doubt, call it out.
What they could have said: “Bestie, you’re a shining star of wit and charm.”
11. “You Look So Professional With Your Hair Straight.”
Why it’s backhanded: Talk about microaggressive “complimenting” styles. On one end of the spectrum, they’re announcing that they believe you usually look bad or unkempt. On the other, they’re saying curly or natural hair is somehow unprofessional. And that’s not OK.
How to respond: “Well, I’m glad to know that you think my natural hair makes me look so unprofessional.”
What they could have said instead: Nothing. Or, “Did you do something different with your hair?”
12. “I Wish I Didn’t Have Any Responsibilities Like You.”
Why it’s backhanded: People might be inclined to say this to their friends who live with their parents or to those who don’t have kids. Living rent-free or child-free can be less stressful than many alternatives, but that doesn’t mean anyone’s life is totally carefree or without responsibility. Saying otherwise is passive-aggressive at worst and presumptuous at best.
How to respond: “Oh wow, do I make it look that way? I have a million plates spinning at once. How are things going on your end?” This will get to the real root of the issue, which is that they’re overwhelmed.
What they could have said instead: “Do you have any spare time to listen to me vent? I’ve been so stressed lately.”
13. “Your Place Is So Cozy.”
Why it’s backhanded: Calling someone’s apartment “cozy” is often code for “super tiny” or even “so tiny I don’t understand how you live here.” It’s also condescending since not everyone can afford a sprawling abode — or wants to live in one. It just isn’t what you want to hear when you’ve invited folks over for a housewarming.
How to respond: “Thank you! I put a lot of work into the decor. Wait, did you see my record player over here?”
What they could have said instead: “Thanks so much for having me over! I always love how you decorate. Oh! I brought a quiche.”
14. “You’re Coping With This So Much Better Than I Thought You Would.”
Why it’s backhanded: You’re literally on your couch in a onesie surrounded by tissues and rubbing at your puffy eyes — and this is better than what your friend thought? How did they expect you to deal with a breakup? You might not want to know.
How to respond: If you can muster some cheekiness, say, “Thanks for the vote of confidence, pal.” If you’re too upset say, “I just need someone to listen to me, if that’s OK.” Also, side note: If a certain friend isn’t supporting you the right way during a tough time, try reaching out to someone else. Another friend, family member, or therapist may be a better bet.
What they could have said instead: “What you’re going through is one of the toughest things ever. You’re handling it so well, but it’s also OK if you need to take more time for yourself.”
15. “You Look So Much More Awake With Makeup.”
Why it’s backhanded: Your friend may be trying to give you a compliment, but this one sends the message that you usually look bad or tired whenever you deign to go outside without blush or mascara. It might be their way of judging — or they simply might not realize why it’s a rude thing to say.
How to respond: “Wait, what do I normally look like?”
What they could have said instead: “I need that blush. Where’d you get it?”
16. “You Look Refreshed Today. I Almost Didn’t Recognize You!”
Why it’s backhanded: According to psychologist Dr. Roberta T. Ballard, Ph.D., this is a common backhanded compliment. It’s something you might hear from an office friend who means well, but doesn’t realize they’re implying you usually look messy or tired. Not to mention, it’s never smart to comment on someone’s appearance, especially if you don’t know what’s going on with their health or personal life.
How to respond: “Thanks. Guess it was that extra cup of coffee I had today.” And leave it at that.
What they could have said instead: “That color blue looks amazing on you.”
17. “You’re So Chill In Your Relationship.”
Why it’s backhanded: “It may be innocent admiration of your patience in your relationship, or it may feel like something else is being implied,” says Lauren Spinella, LPC, a licensed mental health therapist and owner of Peaceful Path Counseling. Are they really impressed by your patience during a tough time in your relationship, or are they implying you’re a doormat?
How to respond: “Do you feel like I’m too chill?” According to Spinella, it’s totally fair to ask for some genuine clarification in a non-accusatory way. That’ll open the door to a deeper convo.
What they could have said instead: “I really admire how patient you are. I’m also a little concerned that you’re dealing with so much and want to make sure you’re OK.”
18. “You Look Great For Your Age!”
Why it’s backhanded: While this one’s often said with the best of intentions, it’s steeped in ageism and the idea that you can only look good if you look young. “Sometimes the person giving the backhanded compliment might not have the intention of saying something hurtful, however, the impact is still there,” says therapist Emily Sharp, MA, LCAT, ATR-BC, RYT-200.
How to respond: “I’m sure you didn’t intend to, but when you make comments about my appearance it makes me uncomfortable.” Sharp says this will get the message across in a diplomatic way.
What they could have said instead: “You look great!”
19. “You’re So Articulate.”
Why it’s backhanded: Calling you articulate is a way to express shock that you said something intelligent. It has the same vibe as, “Wow, I didn’t expect you to be good at this.” The “you’re so articulate” comment also comes with a long history of racism, especially when aimed at Black people, Ballard says.
How to respond: “What did I say that surprised you?” Again, asking someone to explain their comment is a subtle way of calling them out.
What they could have said instead: Nothing. Or something like, “It’s always such a pleasure to talk to you. I’m glad we ran into each other.”
20. “You’re So Pretty. I Don’t Get Why You’re Still Single.”
Why it’s backhanded: This backhanded compliment can send your brain swirling through a list of possible meanings. Are they saying something else is wrong with you? Or that you’re incomplete until you meet a partner? Whatever it is, it won’t feel good.
How to respond: “How are the two related?”Depending on the type of relationship you have with your friend, you can straight up call them out or ignore them, Sharp says. “You can also respond to a portion of the backhanded compliment that feels genuine, in order to maintain positivity,” she tells Bustle. “Everyone handles these situations differently, but the important part is validating your feelings for yourself.”
What they could have said instead: “We haven’t chatted about our dating lives in forever! Are you talking to anyone or nah?”
21. “I Love Your Nails. It Must Be Nice To Have So Much Extra Time In Your Day To Pamper Yourself.”
Why it’s backhanded: “This may be an innocent comment,” Spinella tells Bustle. “But it’s also understandable for someone to be put off by hearing it. You might think, are they implying that I don’t have a lot going on or that I am prioritizing the wrong things?”
How to respond: “What do you mean?” While it’s often possible to glean the intent of a backhanded compliment, Spinella says it’s best to ask for clarification, especially if the words hurt.
What they could have said instead: “I love how you did your nails! It can be so hard to prioritize self-care with a busy schedule. Maybe you can help me do the same?”
22. “You Look So Comfortable!”
Why it’s backhanded: This isn’t a real compliment, says wellness coach Dr. Cali Estes. Instead of saying what they really think, it’s a roundabout way for your friend to indicate that they don’t like your outfit or that they think it’s inappropriate for a situation.
How to respond: “Thanks! I’m so grateful to be comfortable so I can fully enjoy myself at this wedding.”
What they could have said instead: “I love your outfit. I really wish I would have chosen something more comfortable, too.”
23. “You’re Incredible For Working That Hard! I Could Never Leave My Cat Alone All Day.”
Why it’s backhanded: While it feels like they’re complimenting your work ethic, what they’re actually doing is commenting on your choices as a caretaker. This one’s also commonly aimed at new moms, according to Dr. Anisha Patel-Dunn, DO, a psychiatrist and chief medical officer of LifeStance Health.
How to respond: “What do you mean by that?” Patel-Dunn recommends asking for more info. For instance, “Ouch, I feel a bit hurt by that comment. Can you clarify what you mean because this is what I heard…”
What they could have said instead: “You’re the queen of getting stuff done. How do you do it?”
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