Everyone has been guilty of giving compliments that turn out to be less-than-sincere upon closer inspection. However, backhanded “compliments” are some of the worst, especially since they’re disguised as sweet remarks. It’s important for friends to be honest with each other, of course, but couching hard truths in fake compliments is rarely the way to go. (Unless you’re auditioning for a Real Housewives franchise, of course, in which case you can carry on.) If you’re ever on the receiving end of a backhanded compliment from a friend, the real meaning might not even sink in until hours, or even days, later.
While backhanded compliments typically stem from the speaker’s own insecurities, that doesn’t make them any less hurtful, says Sherese Ezelle, LMHC, LCPC, a licensed behavioral therapist. And when they come from a friend, a backhanded compliment is likely to sting even more — and may even damage your relationship.
Backhanded compliments run the gamut from clueless comments to rude remarks, and can also be a form of microaggression, Ezelle says. If it seems like your pal has crossed a boundary, she recommends disputing their comment in the moment by calmly asking for more info. “More often than not, to challenge them on the spot allows for the individual delivering the ‘compliment’ a chance to defend or further explain their intent,” Ezelle tells Bustle. “You want to be sure to give an opportunity for conversation so that growth can happen and friendships can be preserved.”
Of course, different friendships have different dynamics. Some close friends tease each other mercilessly and, as long as everyone’s on the same page, it tends to be OK. That said, it’s alright to recognize when something feels more hurtful than funny, or more like passive-aggressiveness than silly banter, Ezelle says. If backhanded compliments seem to be a habit rather than an exception, you can always tell your friend to buzz off — or look for a new friend circle.
These 23 backhanded compliment examples can help remind you of what a barely-concealed dig really sounds like. That way, the next time your friend claims to love your outfit or announces that they find your apartment “cozy”, you’ll know exactly how to handle it.
1. “Your Instagram Makes You Seem So Fun!”
Why it’s backhanded: On the one hand, it’s good to know all your careful filtering and captioning haven’t been in vain. But when your friend says your Instagram seems fun, they may be implying that the real you is much less interesting than the image you’re trying to project.
How to respond: “Because I am fun!”
What they could have said instead: “I’m so inspired by the way you curate your feed. It really shows off your creative side.”
2. “You Look So Great In That Photo. I Can’t Even See Your Acne!”
Why it’s backhanded: The nice compliment is immediately weighed down by the acne comment. They’re basically saying you typically have a flaw, but in this photo, you only look great because that flaw is removed. “It would be particularly hurtful if you also had an insecurity about your complexion,” says Sarah Dumoff, LCSW, a psychotherapist and founder of private practice here/now.
How to respond: “Thanks. I love this picture too, though I feel good in photos even when my skin isn’t ‘perfect.’”
What they could have said instead: “Omg, you look amazing!”
3. “I Didn’t Expect You To Get The Job. Congratulations!”
Why it’s backhanded: When a friend makes a point of mentioning their low expectations, it takes away from their congratulations.
How to respond: “I worked really hard for this. Go me!”
What they could have said instead: “I was rooting for you and am so relieved it went well!”
4. “You’re So Independent. It’s No Wonder You Haven’t Found Someone Yet.”
Why it’s backhanded: Among all the things ambitious people are tired of hearing, this is probably the most common. In theory, such a remark compliments your sense of autonomy; in practice, it implies that your independence is driving potential significant others away. As an added bonus, it perpetuates the idea that you have to compromise your sense of independence in order to be attractive. Yikes.
How to respond: “Yup! And I’ll know someone’s right for me when they respect that.”
What they could have said instead: “If you ever want to get back into the dating pool, I know someone’s going to fall immediately for your drive.”
5. “I Love How You Don’t Care How You Come Across.”
Why it’s backhanded: Your friend may profess to love your devil-may-care attitude, but what they’re really saying is that they think you’re too “out there.” Either that, or they’re making a salty comment because they’re envious of your laid-back attitude.
How to respond: “Yes! It’s taken a lot of work to get my confidence to this level. I try not to focus on what others think anymore.”
What they could have said instead: “You always seem so confident and relaxed. Tell me all your secrets.”
6. “I Wish I Was As Chill As You About All This Clutter.”
Why it’s backhanded: The real translation may be, “Your place isn’t cleaned to my exact standards and I need you to know that.” Regardless of their intention, it’s rude to make comments when you’ve been invited into someone’s private space.
How to respond: “Really? What would you do differently?” Sometimes asking someone to explain their comment is a way to get them to pause, reflect, and realize they’re being mean.
What they could have said instead: “Thanks for having me over!”
7. “That New Haircut Looks So Much Better Than Your Old One.”
Why it’s backhanded: They’re right — your new ‘do does look fabulous. But no need to be rude about what you looked like literally an hour ago. It may also make you wonder how long they’ve secretly disliked your hair.
How to respond: “I’m all about changing up my look. I’ve loved all my hairstyles and this one’s great, too.”
What they could have said instead: “Wait, this so, so good.”
8. “I Love How You’ll Just Wear Anything.”
Why it’s backhanded: If you’re getting ready together, chances are this comment is constructive and your friend is trying to prevent you from leaving the house in a not-so-great look. If they make this comment once you’re already out, however, that’s when it’s officially rude — and it might even plant a seed of self-doubt that ruins your whole night.
How to respond: “Is that a hint? What’s wrong with my outfit?” You can be honest with each other, laugh it off, and ask if they’d like to offer some advice.
What they could have said instead: “Hold up, hold up. Do you still have those wide-leg pants? Those would be perfect for tonight.”
9. “I Would Never Be Able To Pull Off That Outfit!”
Why it’s backhanded: While it sounds like they’re admiring your style, your friend is likely saying they wouldn’t be caught dead in anything similar.
How to respond: “Thanks, yea. I’ve been feelin’ myself lately. I’m all about the cargo pants trend. Can you believe they’re back?” This is a way to brush off their comment and show your friend that your “weird” look is deliberate — and fashionable.
What they could have said: “Ugh, I can’t keep up with trends. Can you share your Pinterest with me?”
10. “You’re So Charming When You Make An Effort.”
Why it’s backhanded: Great! You’re being charming and suave right now. Mission accomplished. But what about when you’re lounging in your soft pants? Your friend is kind of saying that you’re not usually this charismatic.
How to respond: “I don’t always feel the need to be ‘on’ around my close friends, but sure, I can pull out the charm when need be.” You can also mention that their comment was hurtful. Remember, when in doubt, call it out.
What they could have said: “Bestie, you’re a shining star of wit and charm.”
11. “You Look So Professional With Your Hair Straight.”
Why it’s backhanded: Talk about microaggressive “complimenting” styles. On one end of the spectrum, they’re announcing that they believe you usually look bad or unkempt. On the other, they’re saying curly or natural hair is somehow unprofessional. And that’s not OK.
How to respond: “Well, I’m glad to know that you think my natural hair makes me look so unprofessional.”
What they could have said instead: Nothing. Or, “Did you do something different with your hair?”
12. “I Wish I Didn’t Have Any Responsibilities Like You.”
Why it’s backhanded: People might be inclined to say this to their friends who live with their parents or to those who don’t have kids. Living rent-free or child-free can be less stressful than many alternatives, but that doesn’t mean anyone’s life is totally carefree or without responsibility. Saying otherwise is passive-aggressive at worst and presumptuous at best.
How to respond: “Oh wow, do I make it look that way? I have a million plates spinning at once. How are things going on your end?” This will get to the real root of the issue, which is that they’re overwhelmed.
What they could have said instead: “Do you have any spare time to listen to me vent? I’ve been so stressed lately.”
13. “Your Place Is So Cozy.”
Why it’s backhanded: Calling someone’s apartment “cozy” is often code for “super tiny” or even “so tiny I don’t understand how you live here.” It’s also condescending since not everyone can afford a sprawling abode — or wants to live in one. It just isn’t what you want to hear when you’ve invited folks over for a housewarming.
How to respond: “Thank you! I put a lot of work into the decor. Wait, did you see my record player over here?”
What they could have said instead: “Thanks so much for having me over! I always love how you decorate. Oh! I brought a quiche.”
14. “You’re Coping With This So Much Better Than I Thought You Would.”
Why it’s backhanded: You’re literally on your couch in a onesie surrounded by tissues and rubbing at your puffy eyes — and this is better than what your friend thought? How did they expect you to deal with a breakup? You might not want to know.
How to respond: If you can muster some cheekiness, say, “Thanks for the vote of confidence, pal.” If you’re too upset say, “I just need someone to listen to me, if that’s OK.” Also, side note: If a certain friend isn’t supporting you the right way during a tough time, try reaching out to someone else. Another friend, family member, or therapist may be a better bet.
What they could have said instead: “What you’re going through is one of the toughest things ever. You’re handling it so well, but it’s also OK if you need to take more time for yourself.”
15. “You Look So Much More Awake With Makeup.”
Why it’s backhanded: Your friend may be trying to give you a compliment, but this one sends the message that you usually look bad or tired whenever you deign to go outside without blush or mascara. It might be their way of judging — or they simply might not realize why it’s a rude thing to say.
How to respond: “Wait, what do I normally look like?”
What they could have said instead: “I need that blush. Where’d you get it?”
16. “You Look Refreshed Today. I Almost Didn’t Recognize You!”
Why it’s backhanded: According to psychologist Dr. Roberta T. Ballard, Ph.D., this is a common backhanded compliment. It’s something you might hear from an office friend who means well, but doesn’t realize they’re implying you usually look messy or tired. Not to mention, it’s never smart to comment on someone’s appearance, especially if you don’t know what’s going on with their health or personal life.
How to respond: “Thanks. Guess it was that extra cup of coffee I had today.” And leave it at that.
What they could have said instead: “That color blue looks amazing on you.”
17. “You’re So Chill In Your Relationship.”
Why it’s backhanded: “It may be innocent admiration of your patience in your relationship, or it may feel like something else is being implied,” says Lauren Spinella, LPC, a licensed mental health therapist and owner of Peaceful Path Counseling. Are they really impressed by your patience during a tough time in your relationship, or are they implying you’re a doormat?
How to respond: “Do you feel like I’m too chill?” According to Spinella, it’s totally fair to ask for some genuine clarification in a non-accusatory way. That’ll open the door to a deeper convo.
What they could have said instead: “I really admire how patient you are. I’m also a little concerned that you’re dealing with so much and want to make sure you’re OK.”
18. “You Look Great For Your Age!”
Why it’s backhanded: While this one’s often said with the best of intentions, it’s steeped in ageism and the idea that you can only look good if you look young. “Sometimes the person giving the backhanded compliment might not have the intention of saying something hurtful, however, the impact is still there,” says therapist Emily Sharp, MA, LCAT, ATR-BC, RYT-200.
How to respond: “I’m sure you didn’t intend to, but when you make comments about my appearance it makes me uncomfortable.” Sharp says this will get the message across in a diplomatic way.
What they could have said instead: “You look great!”
19. “You’re So Articulate.”
Why it’s backhanded: Calling you articulate is a way to express shock that you said something intelligent. It has the same vibe as, “Wow, I didn’t expect you to be good at this.” The “you’re so articulate” comment also comes with a long history of racism, especially when aimed at Black people, Ballard says.
How to respond: “What did I say that surprised you?” Again, asking someone to explain their comment is a subtle way of calling them out.
What they could have said instead: Nothing. Or something like, “It’s always such a pleasure to talk to you. I’m glad we ran into each other.”
20. “You’re So Pretty. I Don’t Get Why You’re Still Single.”
Why it’s backhanded: This backhanded compliment can send your brain swirling through a list of possible meanings. Are they saying something else is wrong with you? Or that you’re incomplete until you meet a partner? Whatever it is, it won’t feel good.
How to respond: “How are the two related?”Depending on the type of relationship you have with your friend, you can straight up call them out or ignore them, Sharp says. “You can also respond to a portion of the backhanded compliment that feels genuine, in order to maintain positivity,” she tells Bustle. “Everyone handles these situations differently, but the important part is validating your feelings for yourself.”
What they could have said instead: “We haven’t chatted about our dating lives in forever! Are you talking to anyone or nah?”
21. “I Love Your Nails. It Must Be Nice To Have So Much Extra Time In Your Day To Pamper Yourself.”
Why it’s backhanded: “This may be an innocent comment,” Spinella tells Bustle. “But it’s also understandable for someone to be put off by hearing it. You might think, are they implying that I don’t have a lot going on or that I am prioritizing the wrong things?”
How to respond: “What do you mean?” While it’s often possible to glean the intent of a backhanded compliment, Spinella says it’s best to ask for clarification, especially if the words hurt.
What they could have said instead: “I love how you did your nails! It can be so hard to prioritize self-care with a busy schedule. Maybe you can help me do the same?”
22. “You Look So Comfortable!”
Why it’s backhanded: This isn’t a real compliment, says wellness coach Dr. Cali Estes. Instead of saying what they really think, it’s a roundabout way for your friend to indicate that they don’t like your outfit or that they think it’s inappropriate for a situation.
How to respond: “Thanks! I’m so grateful to be comfortable so I can fully enjoy myself at this wedding.”
What they could have said instead: “I love your outfit. I really wish I would have chosen something more comfortable, too.”
23. “You’re Incredible For Working That Hard! I Could Never Leave My Cat Alone All Day.”
Why it’s backhanded: While it feels like they’re complimenting your work ethic, what they’re actually doing is commenting on your choices as a caretaker. This one’s also commonly aimed at new moms, according to Dr. Anisha Patel-Dunn, DO, a psychiatrist and chief medical officer of LifeStance Health.
How to respond: “What do you mean by that?” Patel-Dunn recommends asking for more info. For instance, “Ouch, I feel a bit hurt by that comment. Can you clarify what you mean because this is what I heard…”
What they could have said instead: “You’re the queen of getting stuff done. How do you do it?”
Inside Tanya Roberts’ shocking handwritten will
Tanya Roberts was one of the sexiest and funniest actresses of her time, dazzling audiences with her stunning beauty and talent in That ’70s Show and Charlie’s Angels.
Tragically, her unexpected passing was marked by confusion, as her boyfriend mistakenly announced her death , adding a bizarre twist to the loss of this vibrant star.
Before we dive into the bizarre circumstances surrounding Tanya Roberts’ passing, let’s take a moment to celebrate her incredible contributions to the screen.
In a world where her legacy seems somewhat overlooked today, a closer look at her impressive career reveals just how unforgettable she truly was. And I’m sure she created cherished memories for many of you reading this.
Running away from home
Born Victoria Leigh Blum in 1949, Tanya Roberts grew up in the gritty Bronx of New York City. The little girl with ice-blue eyes lived in a poor old house with her mother and big sisters. Despite her modest life, Roberts had big dreams of wearing beautiful clothes, riding horses, living in a mansion, and shopping in limousines. Most of all, she wanted to be a star in Hollywood.
At just 15 years old, she took a bold step and ran away to chase her dreams. This was after her family had moved to Toronto, where a tragic event would lead Roberts to distance herself from them. One day, shortly after her father tragically passed away, Tanya felt the walls closing in on her.
In that moment, she decided to leave home. After a heated argument with her mother, Roberts packed her bags and moved to a place in the Village, a neighborhood in Toronto. She supported herself by selling dance lessons to ”old guys”, who lusted after her body.
It wasn’t long before she met another boy, Colin, who had also dropped out of school. She fell head over heels for him.
“It just happened. A stupid, spontaneous thing. Colin was two years older than me, a Canadian, a dropout, doing nothing. It was a love affair that turned into hatred. We never were friends. We didn’t get along at all. But I loved him, you know. I was butterflies. I’d look at him and gasp, ‘Oh my God!’ I responded to the palpitations of the heart.”
Married in secret
The couple was together for seven months and married in secret. They moved to New York together, but then Colin’s mother intervened, annulling the marriage. Roberts and Colin were far too young and hadn’t received their parents’ consent.
Roberts never told her mother about the marriage; she didn’t want to shock her. Soon after, the relationship with Colin ended, but another man entered Roberts’s life— one who would change her whole life.
As Tanya Roberts pursued her acting dreams in New York, she met Barry Roberts while waiting in line for a movie. He was a truck driver earning $30 a week, and he quickly became her next great love.
It was actually Tanya who proposed to Barry in a subway station, and they quickly tied the knot in 1973. Her husband had originally set his sights on becoming a psychologist but soon dropped out of his studies to write scripts for various TV networks.
The couple moved to Hollywood, determined to lead as normal a life as possible.
”You know you’ve got the right guy when you can sit at home with him Saturday night, just you and him and pizza,” Tanya shared in 1980.
For most of their lives, Tanya and Barry lived peacefully and happily, tucked away in the serene and private surroundings of their secluded home in the Hollywood Hills.
“Living here is like being in the country, but civilization isn’t far away when I need it,” Tanya exclusively shared with Closer Weekly in 2015. “It’s the house I’d always dreamed of.”
Spell on Charlie’s Angels
Tanya Roberts’ upbringing on the streets of Bronx served her well when she landed the role of the streetwise Julie Roberts in Charlie’s Angels. Before that, she had already made a name for herself as a model in television ads and took on serious roles in off-Broadway productions like Picnic and Antigone.
However, it was in the summer of 1980 that the world truly took notice of her.
Tanya was chosen from over 2,000 candidates to replace Shelley Hack in the beloved detective series Charlie’s Angels, which was struggling to attract viewers.
The producers hoped that the vibrant 26-year-old would inject new life into the show alongside her co-stars, Jaclyn Smith, the last original ‘Angel,’ and Cheryl Ladd. With her charisma and talent, Tanya was determined to help turn the series around.
”I think there’s a lot of enthusiasm on the set. We are a real team. It’s very important for us to get along because it shows in our work. I think it’s hard do continually make a classy show every week for five years with three girls. It’s not Shakespeare but I think the public looks forward to seeing something new every week,” Roberts told The Daily Herald-Tribune in 1981.
Unfortunately, despite her efforts, Roberts — who described herself as a ‘workaholic’— couldn’t revive the series, and Charlie’s Angels was canceled in 1981.
However, her talent and dedication led to new opportunities in her career.
Nominated for Golden Raspberry Award
After Charlie’s Angels, Robert’s starred in a string of films that gained cult status, including The Beastmaster (1982), Sheena: Queen of the Jungle (1984), Body Slam (1987), and Night Eyes (1990).
Most people, however, associate her with her iconic roles as Stacey Sutton in the 1985 James Bond film A View to a Kill and as Midge Pinciotti on That ’70s Show, where she captivated audiences from 1998 to 2004.
In A View to a Kill, Tanya Roberts starred alongside Roger Moore, and the film became a massive box office success. However, critics weren’t entirely convinced; in retrospect, Moore himself expressed disappointment, stating that it was his worst Bond film due to its excessive blood and violence.
At 57, the Hollywood legend faced criticism for being too old for the role, and he even quipped about the age gap, revealing that he was mortified to discover he was older than Roberts’ mother. In a December 2007 interview, he humorously remarked, ”I was only about four hundred years too old for the part.”
Tanya, too, faced her share of criticism after her Bond debut. Interestingly, she wasn’t the original choice for the role. Producers had initially hoped to cast Priscilla Presley, but she was tied up with her contract for Dallas. They even considered former Bond girl Barbara Bach before ultimately selecting Tanya Roberts. Despite her efforts, she was nominated for a Golden Raspberry Award for Worst Actress, although she lost the dubious honor to Linda Blair, who appeared in Night Patrol.
Losing her husband
For the younger generation, many recognize Tanya Roberts from her role as Midge Pinciotti on the beloved sitcom That ’70s Show. She was a cherished presence on the show but had to leave after the third season.
The reason? Her husband, Barry, had become seriously ill, and she wanted to be there for him. Tragically, Barry died at the age of 60 after a long four-and-a-half-year battle with encephalitis, a condition that causes inflammation of the brain tissue, leading to personality changes, seizures, and weakness.
Tanya and Barry stood by each other from their marriage in 1973 until his passing in 2006. The couple never had any children.
Mysterious death
After the heartbreaking loss of her husband Barry in 2006, Tanya Roberts found love again with Lance O’Brien. The two met while working for Tahiti Village, a Las Vegas resort — Tanya as a spokesmodel. They spent 18 years together, seemingly inseparable, but their world took a tragic turn in December 2020.
At 71, Tanya was still vibrant and full of life, known for her daily hikes up the Hollywood Hills. Described as ”healthy as a horse,” there was no indication of any serious health issues. However, just before Christmas, Tanya began experiencing lower intestinal pain and difficulty breathing.
These symptoms surfaced during one of her hikes, and though she initially thought it might be COVID-19. Early the next morning, she collapsed, unable to get up, and was rushed to Cedars-Sinai Hospital.
Doctors determined Tanya had developed a severe urinary tract infection that had progressed to sepsis. The infection quickly spread to her liver, kidneys, and gallbladder, ultimately leading to multi-organ failure.
Tubes up her nose
“She was talking when I called 911. Next thing I know, she’s in intensive care on oxygen and she’s extremely sick,” O’Brien shared with the Daily Mail.
When O’Brien was finally allowed to see her, Tanya was barely conscious, kept alive by a ventilator. The iconic actress, who had once graced screens as a glamorous star, could only blink in response to her partner’s presence.
”When she saw me and I was there, I saw her eyes open,” he said. “I felt good. I said, ‘Hey, her eyes are opening. Her eyes are opening.’ They told me that’s just a reflex,” O’Brien told Inside Edition.
Sadly, Tanya’s final days were both chaotic and heartbreaking.
O’Brien expressed his frustration with the hospital’s handling of Tanya’s care, stating, “She had tubes up her nose and throat, and they kept calling her Victoria —she hasn’t been called that since she was a teenager. It was so busy, I can’t begin to tell you what an awful, terrible experience it was.”
“I think COVID played a big part in it,” O’Brien added. “If you called the hospital, it sounded like something out of [sitcom] M.A.S.H.”
Cause of death
Tanya’s condition worsened, and on January 3, 2021, she was taken off life support. The beloved star passed away on January 4.
However, the aftermath of her death was even more chaotic. The news of Tanya’s passing was initially announced prematurely by her publicist, leading to confusion.
In a bizarre twist, O’Brien learned she was still alive during a live interview with Inside Edition.
“Now, you’re telling me she’s alive?” O’Brien exclaimed, answering a phone call from the hospital mid-interview. Crying, he added, “The hospital is telling me she is alive. They are calling me from the ICU team.”
Eventually, all the confusion cleared up, and it became evident that Tanya Roberts had indeed passed away. However, the mix-ups didn’t stop there – several sources incorrectly reported her age as 65 at the time of her death. Despite the fact that she was actually 71, some outlets still haven’t corrected this mistake, even three years later.
Her last will
The handwritten note left behind by Tanya Roberts offered a hauntingly intimate and bittersweet glimpse into her final thoughts. According to Fox News, Roberts left her entire estate, valued at over $3 million, to her longtime partner, Lance O’Brien. She signed the note using both her Hollywood name, Tanya Roberts, and her birth name, Victoria Blum.
“I have no reason to live,” Tanya wrote, and she also made it clear that none of her estate would go to her sister, Barbara Leary, or her nephew, Zack Leary.
Instead, Roberts left everything to O’Brien, though the letter suggests their relationship may not have been as loving as it seemed to the public.
”I want to leave my house … and all its belongings to my best friend Lance O’Brien – I also leave my two dogs and my Pension Plan check to Lance O’Brien,” the actress penned, as captured in images obtained by Page Six.
Perhaps the most heartbreaking part of the note comes when she acknowledged the disconnect in their relationship. ”I know you don’t love me but you have been a true friend & for that I’m [grateful],” she wrote. ”Have a good life & don’t blame this on yourself. I was always [too] sensitive to live in this world.”
Behind the face
Tanya Roberts’ final chapter may have been marked by sorrow and confusion, but it’s important to remember the light she brought into the world.
When you take a moment to look back at old photos of her — whether she’s on set, starring in her iconic roles, or even candid behind-the-scenes shots — a picture emerges of a woman who was not only stunningly beautiful but fiercely independent.
At just 15, she knew exactly what she wanted out of life. Becoming a Charlie’s Angel made her immortal in Hollywood’s eyes, but what really stood out was how she handled fame. While some may have expected her journey through stardom to come with heartbreak, bad roles, or failed marriages, Tanya took a different path.
She remained loyal to her husband, Barry Roberts, staying by his side through illness and even stepping away from her career to care for him. That kind of dedication and strength speaks volumes about the kind of woman she truly was.
Looking back at those early photos and moments reminds us of her grace, resilience, and the lasting impression she left on her fans and loved ones alike!
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